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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24307717">Falling Fearless</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schnubbel166/pseuds/Schnubbel166'>Schnubbel166</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Child Neglect, Families of Choice, Family, Family Drama, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Moving, Moving On, mentioned - Freeform, mentions of drug use, more tags to be added as the story progresses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:13:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,654</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24307717</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schnubbel166/pseuds/Schnubbel166</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Otabek dies and leaves Yuri back sad, confused, angry and alone. To top that of, his long-lost mother shows back up. She takes him to Canada with her, where her new family lives. When Yuri meets JJ, his life changes drastically and easing his pain seems to be an option for the first time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jean-Jacques Leroy/Yuri Plisetsky, Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky, Past relationship - Relationship, Yuri Plisetsky &amp; Yuri Plisetsky's Mother</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Falling Fearless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello :)</p><p>This is the first story that I plan on making really long and I am so excited to share it with you. :) The story starts out really dark and keeps a sad undertone through the entire thing, I've never done that with any of my stories because I like to write fluffy. It's not going to be teribbly dark, but I thought I should let you know. Now, I am no expert in regards to medicine, so I am sorry for any errors here. I tried my best.<br/>Also, I am not sure if the other chapters are going to be as long as this one, but I will try my best. I will, again, try my best to post new updates at least every two weeks if I can manage it.</p><p>Before you start reading though, I wanted to apologize right here for putting Yuri through so much pain. But I promise, things will get better eventually.</p><p>So, now that I rambled some, please enjoy the read. :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Life as a teenager isn’t easy. Especially not, when you’re viewed as a kid, unable to do anything. Viewed as fragile. Yuri is sick and tired of it. At barely sixteen he had been through a shit ton of things. Starting right after being born, without his knowledge even. Wedging itself into his childhood unbeknownst to him. Slowly trickling into his life and turning it bitter. His father dies right after his birth. His mother, a helpless seventeen-year-old herself, with an infant in her care. A dying star on a sky of supernovas shining brightly and drowning her shimmer. Swallowing it whole. Driven by grief and pure helplessness, she turns to alcohol and drugs, parties and strange men. Leaving Yuri in his grandfather’s care, the old man himself grieving for his son, still unwilling to abandon his grandchild. When the young woman gets older, she distances herself from all the drugs and the parties and all those foul influences, while busily holding onto it behind everyone’s backs. Magazines wonder where their young idol went, but Yuri’s mother stays hidden, unwilling to reveal her secrets to the public.</p><p>Yuri is barely four when he gets taken away from his <em>Mama</em>, his grandfather smiling at him reassuringly. “Things will be better now, Yurochka,” the man promises the young boy, who doesn’t understand why. What he does understand is, that he is glad that he gets to spend time with his <em>Deda</em> now.</p><p>Years pass and Yuri grows up to be a bitter and angry young man. Confused about himself and the world. Unsteady and still always forced to stay balanced. To not blend into the shadow of the great Victor Nikiforov. He surpasses expectations and breaks scales, works hard and unrelenting. Too stubborn to give up or break. Yet, he is still a teenager and when he meets Otabek Altin for the first time – <em>officially</em> – his icy shield melts away a little for that warm gaze and his fiery attitude calms slightly. He makes space for his first real friend outside the ice rink. Resolves to the fact that he is not just the <em>Russian Punk </em>or <em>Russia’s Ice Tiger</em>, no, he is also a simple teenager longing for a close relationship, formed out of his own strength, not just because he is the youngest and needs to be coddled at all times, despite his dark glares. (<em>Mainly by Mila…</em>)</p><p>It’s a friendship meant to last forever. Otabek’s dark looks match Yuri’s and the soft look in his eyes he gets when he looks at Yuri does too. They don’t know, but everyone around them does.</p><p>When they are in the same city, Yuri settles behind Otabek on his motorcycle and they drive along the coast. Yuri’s arms slung around Otabek’s middle, head pillowed between his shoulder blades sometimes, or looking into the sky. Watching treetops and buildings fly by, clouds following along on their journeys. Yuri is truly happy in those moments. Free from loads of responsibilities, the worry of being able to look out for his grandpa vanishes momentarily and he feels at ease. The smell of leather and salt in the air and his nose. His mind, for that tiny moment, at peace.</p><p>Sometimes they simply sit down on the couch to watch some movie or binge a TV show. Yuri’s feet resting in Otabek’s lap, Potya keeping them company on the backrest. Watching Otabek closely, not trusting the <em>new </em>intruder. No matter how many times Otabek has been to Lilia’s yet. But Otabek has his way with difficult cases, and so, Potya only mistrusts him for so long until she finally crawls into his lap. Curling up on top of Yuri’s feet and claiming the place as her own. Judging him as a good person.</p><p>With Otabek, Yuri thinks, his life is better. He feels like a better person. Lighter. Together, they battle the dark in their lives. Their insecurities and disappointments thrown their way. They take it on and get through it as a unit. Together their life gets easier. At least it feels that way.</p><p>And feeling, Yuri does. A lot. He feels the way Otabek’s fingertips linger when he hands over Yuri’s helmet and their hands touch. He feels Otabek’s body pressed against his side when their lounging on the sofa. He feels Otabek’s gaze when he thinks Yuri doesn’t notice. But Yuri does. He notices all these little things and they confuse the hell out of him. The confusion only grows when he falls asleep, head pillowed on Otabek’s shoulder.</p><p>Falling in love with Otabek, he realizes after a long <em>long </em>debate with himself, happens hard and fast. Otabek is the first person he ever allowed to get so close to himself. The Kazakh knows him inside and out, knows his moods and how to sway them to the better, understands him like no one ever could and grounds him. He trusts Otabek. Unconditionally. The knowledge is crazy and weird and mulling it over in his head doesn’t make it seem any more logical. He is in love with Otabek Altin. His first and only best friend. Though love, Yuri guesses, is never logical. It’s complicated and weird and crazy and so so against any logic.</p><p>For a while, that’s fine. They go on, as if Yuri didn’t make this groundbreaking discovery. He floats high above on the clouds, Otabek alongside him without even knowing. It goes as far as people acknowledging how happy he seems. “You… smile,” Mila says one day, sitting down on the bench next to him in front, of the ice rink. Yuri looks down at his phone, a smile tickling the corners of his mouth. “Hm?” He looks up and Mila smirks. “<em>Sooo… </em>is it someone special?” She drawls out and leans back.</p><p>Yuri scowls at her. “What are you even talking about?” He snaps and lets his phone sink. Mila is still beaming at him. “Who were you texting?” She asks, <em>purrs</em>, blinking at him through her lashes. Yuri bristles. “None of your fucking business, <em>baba</em>!” Yuri hisses and jumps up from the bench. Mila grins up at him. “So, was it… <em>Otabek</em>?” She asks suggestively, waggling her eyebrows comically. Yuri’s eyes widen in shock and his cheeks heat up. “What-What is that even supposed to <em>mean</em>?”</p><p>Mila cocks an eyebrow and rolls her eyes. “Oh, come oonnn Yuriii, you know what I mean,” She whines and throws her arms into the air. “I have no fucking idea,” Yuri grits out, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Mila knocks her head back with her cackles. “<em>You’re in looovveee</em>!” She sing-songs, just as the glass doors swing open and Georgi steps out of the building. “Who’s in love?” He asks curiously and looks back and forth between them. The red head grins up at Georgi. “Our Yuri here,” She chirps.</p><p>Georgi’s eyes wander to Yuri who glares right back. “Well, if that’s true… keep them close to you. You only get a limited amount of chances to find true love.” Georgi’s voice is tinged with sadness. “Make it count,” He adds and gives Yuri a sympathetic smile. No teasing. Just honest caring. That takes Yuri back for a moment before he jumps up and storms back into the building. In the background he can hear Mila whine about Georgi being no fun and the two start bickering good heartedly.</p><p>After that, Mila stops teasing him. Not at all. It just gets a little less and Yuri wonders what Georgi told her. Yuri though, keeps Georgi’s words in mind, not that he would ever admit to that. The words twist and turn inside his head, squirming to escape his grasp.</p><p>It’s the off season when Yuri goes to visit Otabek in Almaty. He is jittery in the cab to Otabek’s apartment and stays that way when he stands in front of the apartment door and Otabek opens it for him, engulfing him in a short hug. Yuri swallows around the lump that’s started forming inside his throat what feels like days ago. But he has a plan, so he swallows heavily, and this is so much harder than stepping on the ice for the first time.</p><p>Otabek watches him worriedly. “Are you okay Yura? You’re very pale and you look nervous,” Otabek notes and leads him into the little living space, combining living room and kitchen. Yuri looks around for a moment and notices how neat and clean everything is. A stark opposite to his own space. He turns around to another worried “<em>Yuri?</em>”, from Otabek’s direction. Taking a deep breath, he takes a tiny step closer to his best friend and starts rambling.</p><p>“Okay, this is going to sound so fucking crazy, I know that. I’ve been through this like… a million times these last few days and weeks. But please, please, don’t hate me afterwards, because I couldn’t stand losing you. That’s also why I initially didn’t even want to tell you because from here on, I could lose you, I could lose <em>everything</em>! So please, at least try to understand me.” Yuri gasps and goes on without giving Otabek the chance to give his own input. “I like you. A lot. Like… <em>like like </em>you. As in, in love… Oh, fuck that! I’m <em>in love </em>with you!” The last part lapses into a shout towards the end, and Otabek’s brown eyes are huge and disbelieving.</p><p>Yuri wills his racing heart to calm down, but that is easier said than done. Otabek is still staring, gaping at Yuri, who had expected a lot to come out of his question. Making Otabek stop working hadn’t been on the list. Sun filters through the drawn blinds and Yuri is close to beg for an answer, or collapse or better yet, run. Before he can consider any of that, his breathing is cut short and he feels a pair of lips press against his. A pair of rough, warm lips. Yuri blinks a few times, before he is ready to move again. Otabek’s cheeks are tinted with a slight blush and Yuri can see his pupils huge in their dark, chocolaty-brown irises. His breathing is a little irregular and before either of them can say anything, their lips connect again, and Yuri slings his arms around Otabek’s neck. Heart fluttering in his chest.</p><p>And that is how Yuri and Otabek get together. It’s rather straightforward and Yuri couldn’t be happier. They still ride Otabek’s motorcycle down long, seemingly endless roads and Yuri still puts his head between Otabek’s shoulder blades. But now, circling his arms around Otabek’s middle doesn’t feel like an intrusion anymore. His arms feel like they are meant to rest there and sometimes, he feels Otabek’s heartbeat through his leather jacket.</p><p>The first time Yuri stays at Otabek’s place, Lilia and Yakov only let him go, because Yuri promised he would keep up his practice, Yuri lies awake next to his boyfriend. Air humid and crickets singing outside, sound traveling softly through the half-opened window. He feels Otabek’s breath tickling over his collarbone and the other boy’s arm slung over his chest. Yuri moves his head to quietly look at Otabek. His strong nose and jawline, his eyelashes throwing a shadow onto his cheeks and his mouth. Not twisted into a frown or stern line.</p><p>A strip of moonlight bathes them in a blue light and Yuri shifts closer to Otabek. Heart thundering against his rib cage. He is happy.</p><p>Yuri spends a lot of time with Otabek’s family, when he comes to visit and movie night with the whole family has become a tradition. Otabek’s mother, Tanya Altin, has taken to him like she is his own mother and Otabek’s little sister Aliyah clings to him like there is no tomorrow. Otabek also has a big brother, but Yuri never gets to meet him. Time spend with the Altins, is like time with his own family, at least that, what Yuri had always thought his family should have been like. Lilia and Yakov, Mila and even Georgi are his family of choice, but they never do this together. Not like this. Aliyah crouches down in front of the couch and lets Yuri braid her hair, while Tanya sits to his right and Otabek to his left. They treat him like one of them.</p><p>Mila is like the big sister he never had, and Georgi is like a cousin of some sort, not quite brotherly yet. Lilia and Yakov are like his surrogate parents, even though he would never admit how he felt about them.</p><p>While the movie plays on screen and when Aliyah’s hair is done, Yuri leans into Otabek. At first, he was hesitant to show affection towards Otabek around his family. Not really knowing how much they actually knew about them. But when Aliyah had pushed him into Otabek’s direction teasingly, the first few times they met and when Tanya hugged him tightly whenever they met, telling him how happy she was that Otabek had chosen him, he relaxed slightly. Otabek’s dad had died a few years after Aliyah’s birth and Tanya tells him, how happy he would have been, that Otabek had found love, how much he would have liked Yuri.</p><p>Yuri tells them that his dad had died too when he had been an infant. He has never told anyone about that, and Aliyah looks at him adoringly, as if the fact that both their fathers had died shortly after their birth connects them somehow. After he shares that piece of information about himself, Aliyah hangs of his sleeve most of the time he spends at the Altin’s house.</p><p>Otabek kisses his forehead and pulls him out of his thoughts. “I’m glad you’re here.” Otabek murmurs into his ear and Yuri smiles, letting Otabek’s touch graze over his skin. Enjoying the softness of it. “I’m glad to be here.” He whispers back. Otabek wraps his arms around him and pulls him to his chest. It’s warm and cozy. It’s perfect.</p><p> </p><p>The call comes when Yuri is taking a short break from practice, still breathing hard from his routine. <em>Beka</em>, reads the name of the caller and Yuri raises his eyebrows in surprise. They had talked about talking the next night. Confused he takes the call.</p><p>Mila is still on the ice and Georgi is watching quietly from the boards. Yakov excused himself for a moment to go to his office and Lilia is in the ballet studio. There aren’t many other skaters there and so, Yuri’s gasp pierces the air like a needle. Both Mila and Georgi watch as Yuri crumbles to the floor. Georgi is by his side in an instant and Mila hurries off the ice. Yuri doesn’t even seem to notice. “I’m there as soon as I can… Yes, no, it’s fine… Yes. You too.” The call ends and Yuri buries his face in his hands.</p><p>“Yuri?” Mila asks hesitantly and puts a hand on Yuri’s shoulder. His shoulders tremble and before either of them can say more, Yuri stands up, determination on his face. “I need to get to Almaty. Today.” He announces and sits down on the bench in front of the ice to free his feet from his skates. Georgi and Mila exchange a worried glance. “Yuri, what is wrong?” Georgi asks.</p><p>Yuri tenses, but he keeps freeing his feet. “Otabek… he-he is in the hospital… his heart stopped beating for a minute.” The words are heavy and go off his tongue burning. Like acid. He stands back up and makes his way to the changing rooms, his fellow skaters on his heels.</p><p>“Oh god… is he-is he alright again?” Mila asks. “Are you alright?”</p><p>“I-yes. I just have to fly out to Kazakhstan. He… it’s a heart defect. There was never anything wrong, but…” Yuri trails of. His lips are trembling, but he takes a deep breath and collects himself again. “Doctors don’t know if-if this is going to turn out good or…” The collected calm vanishes, and a tear rolls down Yuri’s cheek. Mila goes to hug him without hesitation this time. She signals for Georgi to go and the older man nods, making his way to Yakov’s office. It’s probably better for both Yakov and Yuri if he delivers the news and readies their coach for a distressed and irritable Yuri.</p><p>In the changing rooms, Yuri barely holds together. He frees himself from Mila’s hug, goes to throw his belongings into a duffle bag, feet slipping into his street shoes. Yuri stops dead in his tracks. “I need to tell Lilia and Yakov… I…” Mila puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes her head. Yuri must really be out of it if he starts thinking about not worrying his coaches. “It’s okay Yura, Georgi and I will tell them. Don’t worry,” She reassures him, and he nods. Mila takes the bag and wanders to the exit, Yuri following close behind. “I’ll drive you.” Again, Yuri just nods.</p><p>When they get into the car, Yuri takes out his phone, already booking his flight. They make a stop at Lilia’s and Yuri jumps out to pack his things. Mila waits and taps out a quick message for Georgi. A small part of her is sorry for Georgi, who will have to bathe out their coach’s wrath, but she pushes the thought away quickly. She will make it up to him later, now, she needs to focus on Yuri.</p><p>The blonde storms out again barely fifteen minutes later. His hair thrown into a messy bun, wearing a too big sweater and leggings. They are quiet as they drive to the airport. Yuri’s finger is drumming against his knee in an uneasy rhythm.</p><p>Yuri’s thoughts are too fast for him to grasp, and his chest feels to tight to contain his heart. What if… No, he can’t start thinking about worst case scenario’s right now. He needs to keep calm.</p><p> </p><p>Tanya is already waiting in front of the hospital for Yuri and pulls him into a tight hug. “Thank you for coming,” She says and smiles at him gently, putting a hand onto his cheek. Yuri grasps it softly. “Where is he? How is he?” Yuri asks, worry clear in his eyes. Tanya lets go of him and motions for him to follow her. “He is awake again. Weak, but the doctors say that was to be expected. Otabek is a fighter.” There is pride in her voice and she smiles at Yuri, but Yuri does not feel reassured at all, until he sees his boyfriend himself.</p><p>They enter a room, Yuri is too dazed to read the number on the door, but his heart is almost leaping out of his throat because they are at the ICU and that is enough to unsettle him even further. Tanya pushes him gently forward. “Is it even okay that I’m here?” Yuri hisses quietly and Otabek’s mother puts a hand on Yuri’s shoulder and nods.</p><p>Yuri’s steps get slower the closer he gets to the bed a pale, young man lies in. He is connected to machines; a beeping heart monitor and tubes are sticking out of the back of his hand and arm. The young blonde stops dead in his tracks. He has never once seen anyone look this powerless and tiny. Because he does. Otabek looks like a child in the blue hospital gown, breathing tube under his nose. His broad shoulders look hunched, as if all air has been let out of him.</p><p>Otabek’s eyes flutter, when his mother tells him that he has got a visitor. The dark orbs seem dull, but they start shining when he recognizes Yuri, who feels entirely out of place. “Yura.” His voice is hoarse and somehow breathy. Tanya smiles at Yuri. “I’ll give you two some room to talk,” She announces. “Call if you need anything,” She tells Otabek and exits the room.</p><p>“I’m so glad you’re here,” Otabek says. Yuri gets closer to the bed tentatively and halts in front of it. “Beka, don’t do this to me <em>ever </em>again. You hear me?” It’s unintentional, but a tear rolls down Yuri’s cheek. “You have to take care of yourself.”</p><p>“Oh, Yura. I’m so sorry for worrying you.” Otabek stretches a hand out for Yuri to take and Yuri sinks down on the chair next to the bed, taking Otabek’s hand into his own. There is almost no strength behind Otabek’s grasp. “I’m so sorry,” Otabek repeats. Yuri shakes his head. “How could this happen? You’re only nineteen. Why did your heart stop beating out of a sudden?”</p><p>A little frown crawls onto Otabek’s features. The room is quiet for a moment. Yuri has to control his breathing to not demand an answer immediately. When Otabek finally answers, Yuri’s heart is beating wildly against his ribcage. “It-it is a birth defect, innate. My heart has never been the strongest,” He says and looks into Yuri’s eyes earnestly. “I know… I should have told you, but I couldn’t. You are so strong Yura, how could I ever keep up with you?”</p><p>“Beka… damn it, that’s not a fucking flaw. You could have told me. It doesn’t make you weaker…” – “Yes Yura! It does! It’s a wonder I can even skate, let alone ride my motorcycle. Doctors have been telling me I’m foolish for years. But I could never stop doing what I love.” Otabek breathing is heavily so Yuri strokes the back of his hand gently to calm him down.</p><p>“It’s okay, I shouldn’t have gotten upset like that,” Yuri tries to smooth out and Otabek pulls back his hand. “That’s why I haven’t told you. People have been treating me like a porcelain doll since I’ve been a child. My parents didn’t even want to let me start skating. I did it in secret. And Yura, I can’t take <em>you</em> looking at me with that pity too.”</p><p>Yuri shakes his head. “I’m not pitying you. But you are connected to a heart monitor because you’ve been delivered here because your heart stopped beating. We can have a shouting match when you’re better,” Yuri says and smiles at Otabek. “I never took you for a rebel like that. Going against your parents’ wishes.”</p><p>Otabek smiles faintly. “I saved up all my pocket money, so that I could pay the coach. Crazy, thinking back to it. My parents found out when I competed for the first time.”</p><p>There is still a weight on his chest, but Yuri laughs quietly. “How could you keep it a secret for so long?” Otabek’s smile is melancholic. “My brother covered for me. We still had a good relationship back then.”</p><p>Otabek’s brother is something they don’t talk about. But Yuri knows, it’s got something to do with Otabek’s sexuality, that much Yuri knows. Aliyah had told him, when he had asked about their older brother. She had told him about the day Otabek had been outed. His brother had found him kissing a boy in his room, his <em>study partner</em>. Serik, Otabek’s brother, had not been happy about finding his brother kissing a boy and told their parents about it in horror. Outing Otabek to his family. Their relationship had never been repaired and they hadn’t been on talking grounds since years. Serik had moved out only a year after finding out, Otabek had been thirteen then, Serik eighteen.</p><p>Yuri doesn’t dare asking about Serik, it’s a sore point. Painful to talk about. He has got some of those himself. Instead he grasps Otabek’s hand again softly. “I’m glad he did. Otherwise I would have never met you,” Yuri says and softly kisses the back of Otabek’s hand. Otabek smiles down at him tiredly.</p><p> </p><p>Otabek leaves the hospital a week later. He does not return to his own apartment for now and moves back in with his mom and sister. Yuri had a talk with Yakov and Otabek’s coach and they came to the agreement, that Yuri could skate at Otabek’s rink, until things had settled a bit. No one really knows when that will be. The doctors have been positive, mostly at least. They banned Otabek from the ice, at least for the rest of the season. Yuri had never seen that look on Otabek’s face when the news had been delivered to him. Stone cold, all traces of his gentleness gone from his face. Nodding along, probably not even listening anymore.</p><p>After Yuri comes back from training, they take a walk every day. Otabek insists to need them to rebuild his strength. Yuri would like to scold him, for not taking things slower, but he knows, he would not obey and that is one thing he and Otabek have in common. They are both stubborn as hell.</p><p>He still has to go to appointments regularly and by now, Yuri is well known in the doctor’s office. Otabek’s shorter, sour looking companion. They don’t question him, and Yuri still sees the worry in their eyes as they take in Otabek’s condition. Otabek may look like his normal self again, but he is far from fine. When Otabek is told, that figure skating is out of question for him, it’s final. But Otabek holds his head up high, but when Yuri holds him at night, the older boy crumbles. Yuri strokes his back in a soothing manner and kisses his cheek, brushing the tears away softly, even then, when he feels his own tears trickling down his cheeks.</p><p>Otabek doesn’t wallow in self-pity though, he keeps fighting. Trying to prove that he<em> is </em>better. Yuri watches in fear as Otabek does his workouts. One day, when Otabek’s legs give out under him, after overexerting himself, they have their shouting match.</p><p>“You’re killing yourself!” Yuri shouts at Otabek and for the fraction of a moment, dark eyes widen in surprise, before they narrow. “I’m fine. Just…” – “You’re fucking not, and you know it! I know you see the looks from the doctors, they’re not good! Fuck, Beka, at that rate, you’re not going to make it!”</p><p>There is still a glare on the older boy’s face, but he lets his head sink, pulling his knees closer to his chest. “What if I don’t even want to?” It’s barely a whisper and Yuri needs to strain his ears to understand. “What?” Yuri bellows. Otabek’s head shoots up again and there, all the desperation and sadness, the disappointments of the last weeks are laid bare on Otabek’s features. A deep pain striking Yuri harshly.</p><p>“What if I don’t even want to make it anymore? I’m done. My career ended. My country calls me a hero. A fucking <em>hero</em>! I’m a failure, through and through.” The curse from Otabek makes Yuri flinch. He has <em>never</em>, not once, heard his well-spoken boyfriend swear before. He seems indifferent or even rude on the outside to others, but he has the gentlest soul Yuri has ever met. But the words make Yuri flare up with anger again.</p><p>“No, you don’t get to say that! I know how important your country is to you, but they are not the only ones you matter to. You have a family and they love you! How the fuck can you say that you would rather be gone, than with them? Huh? How could you say that?” Yuri gets down on eye level with Otabek and grasps his shoulders, shaking him. Somewhere, at the back of his mind, he knows it’s wrong to do that. Dangerous. Idiotic, but his anger is in charge right now. “How could you say you want to leave all that behind?”</p><p>“But that’s who I am! I’m letting all of them down!” – “No, you don’t! We’re all so glad you made it. I’m glad, Beka! I’m glad! And don’t you fucking dare telling me you don’t matter to me. That’s insulting!” – “I’m not worth it!”</p><p>“You’re worth every fucking thing, you hear me! You mean the world to me, skating or not. I love you, Otabek Altin. I love you, you moron! I don’t want to lose you! I…” Yuri’s ranting is cut off by Otabek’s lips pressed against his own. It’s not a soft kiss, like Otabek kisses most of the time. The kiss is almost aggressive and their teeth crash, until Yuri pushes back, a little out of breath. “What are you doing?” He asks. “I’m not done.”</p><p>Otabek leans forward again, gentler now. Tangling his hands in Yuri’s hair, pulling him closer. Yuri takes a short moment to return the kiss, swiping his tongue over Otabek’s bottom lip tentatively. When they pull apart, Otabek presses his forehead against Yuri’s. He is breathless and for a moment, Yuri is scared Otabek will collapse again. But he feels Otabek’s fingers brushing over his nape. “I’m sorry, Yura. I’m sorry,” He pants and looks up. “I’m sorry.” His eyes are sparkling with unshed tears and it breaks Yuri’s heart, because this is so much bigger than anything he has ever encountered and seeing Otabek so broken, breaks him too. Slowly.</p><p>“I-I love you too. Yura. I love you,” He whispers, and Yuri closes his eyes. Letting the words sink into his heart. He kisses Otabek’s forehead and lets his own forehead rest against Otabek’s again. They stay like that for a long while and neither of them can tell how long afterwards.</p><p> </p><p>“Where are we going?” Otabek asks Yuri. He is tugged along on his hand in the direction of a parking lot. Yuri just smirks and keeps tugging. They come to a halt in front of the family’s car. Otabek raises an eyebrow and looks at the younger boy quizzical. He hears his mother laugh from behind them. “We’re going on a trip,” She answers his questions. “At least you. I’m just driving you to the train station.”</p><p>Otabek looks at Yuri for more answers. “Okay, I will tell you that we stay in Almaty,” He says, cocking his head and smiling at Otabek sweetly. “Your things are already in the trunk.” Again, Otabek looks at his mom who simply shrugs. “Your boyfriend’s idea. You will have to play along.”</p><p>Tanya chuckles at Otabek’s disbelieving look and kisses his cheek. “Don’t worry. I know you’ll like it.” She gets into the car behind the steering wheel. “And I made sure your things were packed correctly.” Otabek shakes his head and sighs, but a small smile paints itself onto his lips. “I trust you,” He tells Yuri and the Russian grins. “You won’t regret it.”</p><p>The drive to the train station isn’t a long one and they stand on the right platform in no time. Tanya hugs Otabek for a long moment. “Take care, okay? I know you’re stubborn, but sometimes it’s best to believe in the judgement of others.” Otabek looks down at his mom. She is shorter than him, but her character makes her seem taller than them all. He nods. “I will,” He promises her. Tanya eyes him suspiciously because she knows, she already hit a wall.</p><p>“And Yuri,” With those words she turns to the blonde whose eyes grow in surprise when he is engulfed in a motherly hug. “Take care of my son. I know you will, but… promise me anyways. We both know he won’t if you don’t persist,” She says. “Of course,” Yuri replies without having to think about it. Tanya smiles warmly. “And take care of yourself too. Your stubbornness matches,” She notes with a look at them both.</p><p>They part when the two boys get into the train, waving from their compartment. Tanya fades away quickly and they lean back into their seats. Otabek quirks his lips into a small smile. “So… that’s the reason why all my hoodies were gone in the morning.”</p><p>Yuri throws his head back and laughs heartily. Otabek promises himself to never forget that sound.</p><p> </p><p>The air up in the mountains is crisp and clean. Yuri was thorough while planning the trip. In front of the train station waits a driver for them. Loading their luggage into the trunk and driving them to their destination. They pass through a village and drive by fields. Their hands are lying entwined together between them, as they take in the view through the window.</p><p>“I’ve been here before,” Otabek mumbles. Yuri turns to look at him and smiles. “My grandparents lived here before my grandfather died and my grandmother moved into the city.”</p><p>“Your mom told me you always enjoyed coming here as a kid. She said, here was were you truly seemed like a child. Free,” Yuri tells him and leans into Otabek’s side. Otabek looks at Yuri in wonder but nuzzles his face into his blonde hair anyways. “You’re amazing,” He whispers into Yuri’s ear and Yuri chuckles quietly, though he gets closer to Otabek and closes his eyes for a moment.</p><p>“We’re here,” The driver tells them when they park in front of a cabin. Otabek looks at Yuri. “This-it belonged to my grandparents.” Yuri nods and gets out of the car, waiting patiently for Otabek to follow. “It belongs to your family and your mom kept it clean and cared for, for years.”</p><p>Their luggage is already standing in front of the front door and Yuri exchanges a few words with the driver quickly before the latter gets into the car and drives off again. Yuri turns on his heel and takes Otabek’s hand. “Let’s look at the place we’ll be staying at for the next few days,” He announces and pulls Otabek with him, opening the door with some keys Otabek wonders where he got them from so suddenly. Yuri swirls the keys in the lock and the door swings open.</p><p>They are welcomed by the smell of wood and lemon, mixed into the smell of dust. It’s utterly cozy. Warm light is bathing the dining area at the back of the room and reaches an armchair in front of the fireplace to their right. Yuri looks at Otabek, to drink in his reaction to his second childhood home. A little smile is playing at Otabek’s lips and Yuri feels all traces of nervousness washing away. Warmth is spreading inside of him, from his chest, to his face, to his hands. Wordlessly, he pulls Otabek into the house and closes the door behind them, settling their luggage down next to the door for now.</p><p>Otabek ventures on quietly, toeing his shoes off in the process. His fingertips graze over the wooden furniture. Yuri can see, he is swallowed whole by the memories and emotions those push up into the open. In front of Yuri though, Otabek can be vulnerable, can allow himself to let the softness settle on his features, in his eyes and his smiles. The room is silent, aside from the singing of birds through the windows, halfway open. White curtains blow into the room, telling whispered stories about the family that once gathered here. Lively, happy, never alone. About the two people who lived here until their time to bid their farewells had come.</p><p>Yuri swallows. It’s peaceful and unsettling at the same time. He feels like an intruder, a stranger. He takes a few steps in Otabek’s direction, loud enough for the other one to notice his presence. “The kitchen and storage are stocked, so we don’t have to make an errand run into the village,” Yuri tells Otabek and leans against the back of the couch. Otabek looks back at him and nods. “That’s very good,” He says and looks back into the room, eyes gliding over the dining table in front of him, up to the window through which they can look out onto the patio curving around the back and side of the house. “I-I really don’t know what to say Yura. This place, I almost forgot how much it always meant to me.”</p><p>From the tone of Otabek’s voice, Yuri can tell. He sounds clogged and a little choked up. But his cheeks are tinted in a rosy color, from the cold, of the excitement of coming back here, Yuri doesn’t know, but he doesn’t need that answered right now. He leans up and brushes his lips agains Otabek’s in a quick kiss and leaning back again. Leaving Otabek enough room to gather himself again. “I’ll bring our suitcases into the bedroom,” He announces and gives Otabek some privacy, shoving the suitcases down a small corridor and into the bedroom. Otabek stays behind. Yuri had known from the beginning on, that Otabek was a private person. That he let Yuri in never ceases to amaze the blonde hot head.</p><p>They aren’t staying in the bedroom Otabek’s grandparents shared once, it feels wrong to think about invading their space, even if they don’t live here anymore. Yuri decided that the exact moment Tanya had explained the floor plan to him. The room they stay in isn’t very big. It’s the guest bedroom, but it feels cozy and welcoming anyways. He starts busying himself with putting away their clothes. There stay is only supposed to last a week, but it feels better to not live out of a suitcase.</p><p>He is so occupied with his work, that he doesn’t notice Otabek sneaking up on him, hugging him from behind suddenly. Yuri jumps a half meter into the air before letting a string of curses loose. Uttering threats they both know he doesn’t mean. Otabek’s chest is vibrating with laughter against his back. He kisses Yuri’s neck in apology. “Sorry,” He mumbles between kisses and chuckling.</p><p>Yuri turns in the embrace, slinging his arms behind Otabek’s neck, curling his fingers in the hair at the nape. “You’re forgiven… if you kiss me,” Yuri offers, tilting his head in a generous manner. He tries not to wince at the tired look in Otabek’s eyes. His fingers wander along the curves of the other man’s cheek, following the shadow of exhaustion building tiny pillows underneath his eyes.</p><p>Otabek looks at him for a moment. Gaze fond and soft. Then, he leans in to kiss Yuri. Lips melting against the younger ones. Yuri lets himself drift away, lets himself kiss Otabek like it’s their last kiss. Otabek’s lips are a little chapped, but their touch is soft against Yuri’s. His fingers glide through Yuri’s golden strands and Yuri holds onto the back of Otabek’s t-shirt.</p><p>The kiss stops far sooner than Yuri expected it to, but he feels the uneven rise and fall of Otabek’s chest and the way his body seems to have loosened all its strengths. Otabek’s alarmingly fast heartbeat against his own chest, pressed against his boyfriend’s. Yuri pulls back and lets his forehead rest against Otabek’s. His lips find Otabek’s on autopilot in a tiny kiss. Soft and fleeting, but enough to leave a sensation.</p><p>Without protest, Otabek lets himself be led into the living area. While he slides down on the couch, Yuri prepares them some tea. He has to fiddle around a little to find cups, the tea and the pot, but he works quick and efficiently once he has everything. Apparently, he took more time than what his original plan was, because Otabek is in a pair of comfortable sweatpants and a book is waiting for him on the coffee table. Yuri has a hard time reading the look in Otabek’s eyes. “Thank you,” He says, when Yuri settles the tea down next to the book.</p><p>Yuri decides that he can leave Otabek alone for a second and throws on more comfortable clothes as well. When he is done, he flops down next to Otabek, who is absorbed in his book. He rearranges himself so they can rest chest to back. Otabek grabs the blanket from the back of the couch and throws it over them. Yuri’s eyes widen when he notices the fire burning in the fireplace. He hadn’t noticed when he came back. Behind him, he can hear the rustling of the pages and he lets his head fall back against Otabek’s shoulder.</p><p>“Read to me,” Yuri demands a few minutes later and Otabek stills, before nodding. His voice is soothing, and Yuri can feel the rumbling of Otabek’s chest against his back. He can feel Otabek breathing too and it calms him more than anything ever could. Yuri only understands half of what Otabek is reading to him, because it is Kazakh and Yuri is not fluent in the language yet, but he couldn’t care less.</p><p>He can feel himself starting to drift off. Yuri fights against the sleep, of course, but he has to relent not long after Otabek started reading.</p><p>Otabek notices Yuri’s struggle to stay awake, but he keeps reading anyways. When he feels Yuri’s breath evening out and his body going heavy and almost boneless against him, he stops. For a moment he soaks in the warmth of the other and the proximity. It’s hard to breathe for a moment, a weight settling atop his lungs. He swallows and blinks a few times against a dizzying feeling. He puts the book down and waits for the unsettledness to pass. When it passes, he sighs. His fingers are trembling slightly.</p><p>He brushes a golden lock out of Yuri’s face, watches the pale lashes flutter against high cheekbones. There is a light sprinkle of freckles across Yuri’s nose. Hard to notice, even as close as Otabek is to Yuri right now. His face is relaxed and the frown that sometimes seems glued to Yuri’s face is gone. Yuri is beautiful, full of strength and Otabek thanks his lucky stars for granting him such perfection in his life. Sometimes he wonders how he managed to get so lucky to be able to live at the same time as this incredible creature in his arms.</p><p>The air in the cabin is warm, but not overly so and outside, the sun is starting to settle behind the mountain tops. Orange and golden light of it melting into that of the fire. Pinks and lilacs coloring the table in front of the window. Otabek feels that he himself drifts off and he lets sleep consume him with one last look at Yuri.</p><p> </p><p>They hike on a wild path farther up the mountain. It is midday and while the sun is out, it’s still a little chilly so high up so they wear light jackets. The tip of Yuri’s nose is pink and Otabek kisses it with a chuckle. Yuri bats him away with his hand, but his eyes are twinkling joyous.</p><p>Occasionally they pause so Otabek can catch his breath, but Yuri insists on putting off eating until they have reached their destination. It takes them another hour until they do, and Yuri makes a sound of awe. Otabek can only agree. In front of them is a stretch of untouched land. A lake, that they cannot see the end of. The sky above them is not crystal clear, clouds wash away the blue occasionally, but aside from that, it is sunny.</p><p>Yuri pushes his fist up in the air with a small cry of victory. “We did it,” He exclaims and turns around to Otabek with a grin. Otabek shakes his head with a little laugh. “Yes, we did,” He replies, and Yuri takes his hand to pull him closer to the water. There are few people here right now, but those who do pay them no mind. Tourists. “Have you been here before?” Asks Yuri and leans against his side slightly. Otabek wraps an arm around his waist and lets his eyes glide over the still surface of the lake.</p><p>Great Almaty Lake had been one of his favorite spots as a child, when visiting his grandparents. His grandfather telling him to breathe in as much of the fresh, clean air up in the wilderness as long as he was not back in the dirty city. Up in the mountains and by the lake. He tells Yuri and the younger boy smiles slightly. “Mom and him, they got into fights about us living in the city often. One time, he insisted I move in with him and grandmother. Especially since he knew about my… heart defect,” Otabek says, and seems to taste acid when he says the last word. His eyes get a far away look. “You know, he taught me so much about… just <em>living</em>, not just getting by with my condition. He wouldn’t have been supportive if he had found out about my sexuality, but… I don’t know…” Otabek trails off as he talks about his grandfather and Yuri listens quietly.</p><p>When Dedushka had found out that Yuri wanted to date boys and marry a prince one day, there had been worry in his eyes. Yuri remembers that clearly. He had told Yuri to be careful to who he talked to about these kinds of things but had otherwise strengthened Yuri in his decision that he was most probably gay. Dedushka had supported him too when he had started dating that one girl, convinced that all the talk about liking boys had been just stupid, childish curiosity. And when Yuri had broken up with that girl, because it felt wrong, Nikolai Plisetsky had sat down with him, pirozhki in the oven, to talk to him about it. Yes, Yuri had gotten incredibly lucky with his grandfather and hearing about Otabek’s own experiences stings.</p><p>“Even knowing that my grandfather would have probably disowned me for liking men, he taught me that no disease, or defect can take away my will to fight. He made me realize that I want to live without being afraid, to live fearless. And I could not be more thankful for that.” Otabek looks back at Yuri and a small smile appears in the corners of his mouth. “Had he not been, I would still hold on to the belief that I was straight. Even if it was not his intention.”</p><p>Yuri looks into Otabek’s eyes. They are incredibly dark and see right into his soul. “I’m thankful,” Yuri says seriously and puts a hand on Otabek’s cheek for a moment. Lets the touch linger and Otabek leans into it, cherishing the warmth of Yuri’s palm against his cold skin. They stay like that for a moment, until Yuri separates slowly from Otabek and turns back to look at the water. Otabek’s arms loop around him, his chin resting atop Yuri’s shoulder.</p><p>“It’s beautiful,” Otabek whispers. “Peaceful.” Yuri simply nods.</p><p>Birds sing in nearby trees and the breeze lets the surface of the water ripple. The moment stretches seemingly eternally. Quiet and peaceful, like Otabek said. Yuri wishes it would never end. That they could stay here and leave everything behind, just to feel like this forever. Detached from reality. There is a deep ache inside of him that he cannot explain. Though he knows it’s not really physical, it seems to consume his whole body in an overwhelming hurt.</p><p>Because he knows. <em>This</em> will not last. They <em>will</em> leave and reenter reality. Get back to problems and stress. Start thinking about what will happen next soon. “Hey, Yura?” Otabek asks. “What’s wrong?” Yuri shakes his head.</p><p>“I feel that something is not right. Please, tell me,” Otabek prods gently and drops a light kiss on Yuri’s temple. The blonde closes his eyes and exhales slowly. “This moment… it will pass. We will have to go back to-to how it used to be…” Yuri sighs. “I don’t want that,” He states.</p><p>Otabek shows no reaction for a moment and Yuri fears he said something wrong when he gets turned in the embrace again. The look in Otabek’s eyes is soft. “Don’t mourn what passes. I couldn’t be happier to be here with you and yes, the moment will pass, but we will always remember it,” Otabek says earnestly and touches his forehead to Yuri’s. “We will always remember how it felt to stand here, the sound around us and the wind. I will remember how it felt to hold you, how you felt. Yuri, moments are supposed to pass, they wouldn’t be special otherwise. Don’t feel bad about one going, just remember it and experience new moments like this.”</p><p>Yuri holds his breath. The words ring in his ears and echo in his mind. Slowly, he nods and smiles slightly. “You’re a poet Otabek Altin,” He mumbles, teasing gently and nudging his nose against Otabek’s. A slight tint of blush appears on Otabek’s cheeks and a smile of his own forms on his lips.</p><p>After that, Yuri does feel better. The ache is still there, but he tries to apply Otabek’s words. Tries to cherish everything, tries to bind it to his heart and make it a memory. They eat their little picnic and watch the water, the clouds above them and the birds flying over their heads. Otabek has his book with him and he reads to Yuri again.</p><p>When it gets chilly, they pack up their things and start on their way back. Yuri takes one last look at the dark blue water and takes it all in. Otabek seems to want to say something, but he holds it back. But Yuri knows what he wants to say. Knows, that it is impossible.</p><p>This is their last trip up the mountains, they will not come back. The last time Otabek will see the lake. And Yuri knows, he will see it the first and last time too.</p><p> </p><p>Time flies by and their departure arrives much too soon for Yuri’s liking. The train ride goes by in a comfortable silence. Yuri leaning against Otabek in their compartment. When they set foot onto the platform again, Aliyah welcomes them with hugs. “I missed you,” She tells them, and Yuri feels like coming home. Tanya guides them back to the car, after welcoming them too and Aliyah insists to sit in the backseat with Yuri on the ride to the Altin’s. Otabek smiles slightly and gets into the front seat.</p><p>Over the last several weeks, Yuri has gotten used to Otabek’s energetic little sister, who worships the ground they both walk upon. The ride back is filled with Aliyah’s excited shattering and questions about their trip. Yuri tries to follow along but gets lost halfway through. Who would have thought that <em>anyone</em> could speak that fast? It is especially overwhelming, since Otabek is the exact opposite of his little sister and a week spent with the quite older Altin has Yuri used to silence.</p><p>“Aliyah, baby, Yuri and Otabek are probably tired from traveling. Let them get some rest, hm? You can interrogate them when they feel more up to it,” Tanya interferes gently, and Aliyah’s mouth snaps shut. “Sorry,” She mumbles and Yuri chuckles quietly.</p><p>“It’s okay. We’ll tell you all about our trip tomorrow. Deal?” He holds out his pinky and the younger girl links her own with his, a toothy grin on her face. “Deal!”</p><p>In the rearview mirror, Yuri catches Otabek’s warm gaze. They share a long look and Yuri smiles slightly. Otabek returns the gesture and looks back out the window. Tanya has caught on to their interaction and smiles mildly while navigating through Almaty’s streets.</p><p> </p><p>“There is something that I have to show you,” Otabek says one evening. They are in Otabek’s apartment for the night and cuddled up on the couch in the living room. Yuri looks up from his phone that he had been balancing on his knees. He cocks his head and Otabek shakes his head with a secret little smile. “You look like Potya,” He notes and Yuri grins proudly.</p><p>Yuri scoots closer to Otabek. “What was it you wanted to show me?” He inquires and leans his side against the backrest. Otabek taps on his tablet screen a few times, before pulling up a set of earphones and sliding them over Yuri’s head, handing the tablet over. The questions vanish from Yuri’s mind when he sees Otabek on the screen. He is on the ice in his training attire.</p><p>“What is this?” He whispers, daring to look up at Otabek. Finding himself afraid of the answer.</p><p>“A few days before I collapsed, I worked on a program I had planned for this season… I got to record it halfway done,” Otabek explains and sighs. “It still needs work.” Yuri just nods and waits for a moment, in case Otabek wants to say something else. When he doesn’t, he nods again and turns to look at the screen. He is at a loss for words. It feels like Otabek handed over his last savings to Yuri and it’s a heavy weight.</p><p>He taps on the screen and the video starts. Otabek skates to the center of the ice and goes into his starting position. The song that starts playing in the background then is unlike anything Yuri has ever heard Otabek skate to. It’s more modern and he recognizes the tune immediately. He watches as Otabek starts skating. It seems slow at first, but the strength behind his moves is clear and then, the chorus starts and at the first beat of it, he throws himself into a jump, followed by another jump. The program displays the inside of Otabek’s mind. Displays more rage than Yuri has ever seen. Determination clear on his features.</p><p>The program is like an announcement. It seems to shout into the viewers face. ‘<em>Look at me!</em>’, it shouts, <em>‘See! Here I am and I will not back down!’</em>. It doesn’t seem like Otabek’s usual style and yet, it’s so utterly him that it takes Yuri’s breath away for a moment.</p><p><em>‘I’m so powerful’</em> – <em>‘I’m unstoppable’</em>, is the lyrics and Yuri can only agree. Otabek’s presence is dark and intimidating. Superior even. But he is entitled to it. These last few years he had fought his way up to the podium, just to have it taken away from him now. Otabek is one of the top male figure skaters in the world and he has earned to feel superior, if only for his skate.</p><p>Too soon, the halfway mark is reached and the video ends. Yuri gasps and feels a tug at his heart. This is the last time he will see Otabek skate like this. Words catch in his throat and he has to swallow against tightness, wetness in his eyes.</p><p>“That is unbelievable Beka. Amazing, really!” Yuri says and looks over at Otabek, who looks at him cautiously, even if there is no reason for that. “Thank you,” He replies.</p><p>“Have you choreographed this all by yourself?” Yuri asks and Otabek nods.</p><p>“I think… Yuri, it’s a lot to ask, but… I know, I’m not able to skate this program anymore, but would you maybe…” – “You want me to adopt your program?” Otabek bites his bottom lip. “You don’t have to, really,” He assures Yuri and shrugs, the look in his eyes far from indifferent. “I shouldn’t have dumped this on you, it’s stupid.”</p><p>Yuri shakes his head. “No, no. I’d love to, Beka. I’m honored really,” He rushes to say and smiles slightly, even if his heart feels like lead inside his chest. “I’ll do it.”</p><p>Pure relief flushes Otabek’s face at those words and he pulls Yuri into a hug. “Really?” He asks into Yuri’s hair, close to his ear and Yuri nods. Otabek’s embrace gets tighter and the other man hugs back just as tight. Holding onto each other, they sit there. Holding on for dear life. Because now they know that every hug, every kiss, or touch could be their last.</p><p>It had been obvious, even before Otabek had told him what the doctor had said to him. For that one appointment, Yuri had not been allowed in the room. Sitting outside on an uncomfortable waiting room chair, leg bouncing nervously. It had stopped bouncing when Otabek had come back out. His expression calm. Walking out, Yuri had asked what had happened and Otabek had told him thad he would tell him once they were home.</p><p>And Yuri had broken down right there and then. In the middle of the Altin living room. Tanya’s eyes glassy as she had hugged Otabek close, hands gripping his shoulders as if she could keep him in the land of the living like that. Aliyah had still been at school and that was a good thing, because Yuri didn’t know if he could handle her seeing him like that. If he could handle seeing her reaction. Yuri hadn’t really cried; he had whimpered in a way he wouldn’t be able to recall later and Otabek had sat down next to him on the floor. <em>“I’m not afraid Yura. Please, don’t be either,”</em> He had whispered, and Yuri wanted to scream at him for talking such nonsense, but he hadn’t. Had let himself be held, which was ironic, because he had not been told that he would die. And then he had realized that the look on Otabek’s face had been relief.</p><p>Yuri pulls back from the hug and studies Otabek’s face. With every day, he looks more tired, but his eyes still hold warmth in them. He lets a finger trail over Otabek’s cheek, resting his palm there. Otabek leans into the touch and holds Yuri’s gaze. “Beka? Can I ask you something?”</p><p>“Of course, anything.”</p><p>“Why were you so calm when… we found out? How could you stay so calm when all I could do was break apart when I should have held you? You looked so relieved.” Yuri is frustrated with himself for not being able to say it out loud. For toeing around the topic. Normally, he doesn’t hold back anything, speaking the truth even when it’s inappropriate. Speaking his mind like no one else. But saying <em>this </em>out loud, would make it real. And Yuri can not do it.</p><p>Otabek looks thoughtful for a moment, placing his own hand over Yuri’s. Grasping it gently and holding it. “I think… when you know that you are to die, but there is no one to tell you so… it’s frustrating. But when I finally heard the words out loud, I could settle, as weird as it sounds.” The smile that Otabek gives Yuri is filled with sadness. “I knew then that the news would hit the others worse than me. It was comforting to know, that I could still say goodbye and that I got to be there for you in that moment.”</p><p>Yuri bites his bottom lip and nods. “You… are not afraid?” Otabek shakes his head. “No.”</p><p>Again, Yuri nods and bites down on his tongue this time. Swallowing against the lump in his throat. Wind blows in through the half-opened window behind them and Yuri’s hair flutters around his face before settling down again. This time, Otabek is the one cupping Yuri’s cheek tenderly, brushing over it with his thumb. “You still have the eyes of a soldier. Beautiful and strong,” He notes and that is enough to make the first tear drop.</p><p>These last few days, Yuri had gotten good at ignoring the elephant in the room. Walking on a thin line between tears and oblivion, but now, with Otabek’s eyes trained on him like he is precious, it breaks him apart. He hangs his head, tears running quietly.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Otabek says.</p><p>“I don’t want to lose you. It’s unfair, I only got you and I’m already losing you,” Yuri chokes out and bites down on his lip until he tastes copper and his shoulders are trembling.</p><p>“I’m still here.” Those words make Yuri look up just as Otabek scoots back and opens his arms. Yuri crawls into them and Otabek lets him cry against his shoulder until the fabric is soaked and Yuri is angry at himself for making things harder for his boyfriend. But Otabek tells him to not even start thinking like that, when Yuri lets his thoughts slip, reminding him softly of his words.</p><p>“It will be hard, but I have no doubt you can do it,” Otabek tells him. How?, Yuri thinks. How will I ever be able to make it without you?</p><p>“I will never stop loving you, Yuri. Even when I’m gone. But don’t stop living when I am not here anymore,” Otabek’s voice is serious when he says the last words. “I know you and I want you to be able to move on. So, please promise me you will try to find happiness. Don’t bundle it all up and stuff it away like you do with things you’re not comfortable dealing with.”</p><p>Otabek finds his hand and curls his fingers around Yuri’s. “Honor what we have by… cherishing the good memories and making new ones. Find new things you want to remember and that make you happy. Don’t dwell on the bad ones.”</p><p>Yuri buries his face in the fabric of Otabek’s hoodie, takes in the scent. Home. Will he ever be able to find another one without Otabek there? But for Otabek’s sake, he looks up. “I promise.” He wonders how sincere he is, but for Otabek, he <em>will</em> try. Even if his mind rebels against the thought of finding happiness outside of what he has now.</p><p>There is a quiet moment. Otabek lets his fingers card through Yuri’s hair, the others holding on to Yuri’s. It could be perfect if Yuri wouldn’t feel his drying tears or the shudders of his breathing. It could be perfect.</p><p>“I love you too,” Yuri whispers finally and Otabek kisses his forehead. Letting his lips linger on the skin longer than usual before pulling back and pulling Yuri closer.</p><p> </p><p>The day is sunny and warm. Birds singing in the trees and the parks are full of families. That is the day Otabek Altin’s heart stops beating. And this time, it stays still.</p><p>Yuri sees the paramedics stop their attempts at reviving Otabek. Sees them look at the time and he wants to yell at them to do their fucking jobs and get on with it. To save a damn fucking life. He watches the professional calm setting on their faces, the way their chests move with heavy breathing and wants to throttle them. Hears an ear-piercing scream and whimpering, like that from a wounded animal. Then his mind detaches itself from him after he realizes he is the one whimpering and sobbing and fighting against arms holding him back.</p><p>From where he is crouching in the hall, he can still see Otabek’s profile and the empty eyes staring up to the ceiling. That is the only thing he notices. He doesn’t notice Tanya holding him, despite her own crying and shaking and he doesn’t notice that he is trying to claw himself free from her hold to get into the room. Doesn’t notice the way his body goes slack after a while.</p><p>The pain is so great, it seems to burn a hole into his chest and instead of clawing at Tanya’s arm, he digs his fingernails into his palm. Trying to soothe his inner pain. It works for a split second until it slams back into him full force, wrenching a sob out his chest.</p><p>Yuri doesn’t notice all these things. But he knows, he has never felt more helpless, more like a kid, than now.</p><p> </p><p>Mila is just done with her final lap and is just getting off the ice when her phone pings. When she glances at it, her heart sinks and she feels tears stinging her eyes. The text is simple, but it gives away everything left unsaid. It’s the lack of venom and nicknames, the lack of Yuri’s usual style of writing.</p><p>
  <em>“I’m coming back. I’ll take the next flight back to Saint Petersburg.”</em>
</p><p>The news spread fast. It’s on tv and all-over social media. Everyone is talking about it.</p><p>Hero of Kazakhstan, Otabek Altin, has passed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading. I would really really appreciate your feedback, so don't hesitate.<br/>Anyhow, until next chapter and have a wonderful day. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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